He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
