Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
