I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
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