Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
