toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
