Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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