Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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