I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
