I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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