my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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