a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
my shit smells like andre
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
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