Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
