I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
