My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Randomize
