someone threw a dead crab at me
i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
