you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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