I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
