This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
