i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
