my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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