I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
We were destined to go to rehab together
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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