I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Randomize
