im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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