Will you blow on my dice?
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Girls should come with a carfax report
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Randomize
