The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
