i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
Come see our sink grown plant.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
