I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
