so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize