Welp...herpes.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize