So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
