remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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