i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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