Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Randomize
