So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
