Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
meet me or not, i'm out of control
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
