i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
