I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
