There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
