i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
