Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
