I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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