I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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