So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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