I think i sorta joined a cult last night
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
