Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
