So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
