I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
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