after a month anything with tits is on the radar
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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