I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Randomize
