John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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